Dearest Cory Lee Douglas Castoe aka Snuggle Bear,

5 years tomorrow. 5 glorious years.
The state says that's how long you've been my husband, my one and only. For me it's been more like 9 years. I've been yours and only yours from the moment you looked in my eyes & said those magical words..."I eat a lot of pizza."

I'm still amazed that you married me, even after meeting my family. I just knew that as soon as you met my mother that wouuld be the end of my fairly tale & I would never get my happy ending.
But you stayed the course & stuck with me. For this, you deserve a metal of bravery.

Today, the day before our wedding, marks one of the worst days of my entire life. Yet you were there through it all. I never would've made it through if you wouldn't have stuck by me. And that seems to be the cycle we've continued. You're my anchor, what keeps me grounded. You're my strength, what keeps my head above water. You're my everything.

The most amazing gift you have given me has been these babies. I know for a fact that you're the most amazing & wonderful daddy in the entire world. Your patience with them inspires me, and your love for them is so pure & beautiful.

When I count my blessings you're always number one on my list. You've given me everything I've ever hoped for in life and have been right next to me through every struggle and trial. Life hasn't been easy, but when is it ever easy? What would life be without its trials and lessons to learn from? Boring and a total waste.

So thank you..ten kazillion times over..thank you. I've said it before & I swear it's true..you saved me, and I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't have stepped into my life and swept me off my feet.

I'll love you forever and like you for always. As long as we're living my baby you'll be. <3

So I'm experiencing something new with this pregnancy I've never experienced before.
Itching. Everywhere. All the time.
I actually have bruises on my legs from itching them so much. Awesome. I look like I've been beaten but no...they're self inflicted.
& the puking. It's actually not as bad as it was with my first two pregnancies, but just enough to make me completely miserable.
I was asked last night what I wanted..boy or girl. My response was that I don't care. I just want it out of me. I'm not one of those women that love being pregnant. I actually despise it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. But I love giving birth & having babies. If I could skip the 9-10 months of absolute horror I would have 10 kids minimum.
I got an amazing package in the mail yesterday from xmynewlifex
You brightened my dark & gloomy day, dear Emily.
& thank you. Because of the baby clothes & teeny tiny diaper, I was excited about having another baby for the first time since I got pregnant.

I've been making Elliott go to sleep without nursing for a while now. Usually he just whines a little then squirms around for half an hour & goes to sleep.
Last night he was pulling at my shirt like a maniac & shouting, "MILK!!" I told him no..milk went night night. He threw himself down on the bed & started beating his hands on the mattress & said "Dammit! No!!"

I have no appetite whatsoever. I've been having to force myself to eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me want to blow chunks everywhere. And I wonder....why did I want to do this again? It's not like I forgot that I get horrid "morning sickness". I just forgot how it really feels...to be starving but afraid to eat anything because you know it'll probably just come back up half an hour later. And food..my precious food...sounds disgusting. But there's a plus side to every bad thing...last time I weighed myself a couple days ago I'd lost 4 pounds. Whoo!

I need friends around here who are moms.
So many people are moving away right now.
Lauren's leaving me for Eureka Springs. Haley's leaving me for Kansas City. Jessica is leaving me for Okeene.
Not that I spend nearly enough time with any of these women anyhow...I'm just incredibly lonely.
I feel as if I'll be here forever. Stuck here...without a car..in this falling apart piece of crap trailer..next door to my mother in law.
I knew this was going to happen when we moved out here. I just felt it in my gut. But here I am now...and I can't change the past.
I never thought this would be my life..trapped in Oklahoma. & don't get me wrong...I love Oklahoma to a certain extent. I just can't stand being the one left behind so often.
And this trailer...oh this trailer. I hate living here. Cut off from civilization without a car. No friends around...nothing for miles to speak of.
I'm so incredibly lonely these days.
And we're all sick to make things even that much more awesome. Coughs, runny noses, fevers. I finally broke down & gave the kids motrin last night. I needed the rest. I'm so exhausted and haven't been getting any sleep.
The best news of all...Cory had a meeting this morning at work. He's going to have to start putting in 12 hours a day because they raised his quota. But the catch is...they don't pay him time & 1/2 for his over time. The only plus to this job was that for every $ he went over his quota he got 10% of that. But now that he raised his qutoa he won't be getting any of that any more which is going to put a huge cut into our already non-existent cornerstone fund.
Someone just put me out of my misery today.

To tell them their faces would stick like that would only encourage this type of behavior. :P

I can't sleep enough, yet I can't sleep.
Hello, Insomnia. I hate your guts.

When we pulled up to the midwife's office Faith asked where we were. Cory explained to her that we were there to meet the people who would help mommy get the baby out of her tummy.
When we went in she kept asking me about it & I explained to her that mommy's tummy had to grow & that meant the baby was growing,. When it was reallllly big, then the baby would come out.
She was convinced we were getting a baby today & so much so that when she heard a kid in the back room she said, "I hear mommy's baby!
Explanation again..mommy's tummy gets big, then baby comes out.
As we were nearing the end of my appointment one of my midwives said, "You'd better get your shoes. Your mommy and daddy are almost ready to go."
Faith looks at me puzzle & said, "I thought we were going to get your tummy big."
Sigh...it's worse than waiting for Christmas.

My appointment went beautifully today by the way. Margaret, my new midwife, is amazing and more than willing to help us have this baby either at home or her birthing center.
Mone is a minimal issue & she's only asking that we pay as much as we can at a time.
This is a huge answer to prayer because that was my main worry lately..how in the world we're going to pay to have this baby.
Praise God. He always provides.

I went to see "The Business of Being Born" yesterday with my mom. It was such a beautiful movie. I highly recommend everyone watch it.
It was so inspiring & gave me every confidence that I can birth this baby on my own terms.
It helped my mom feel more at ease with my hopes for birthing at home or at least at the birthing center. My new midwife was there also & I got to meet with her. I feel so confident in her & comfortable with her already.
I feel really at peace with our decision to use her. Now it's all about finding enough money to pay for it on our own. Everyone's told me that she's really lenient though when it comes to payments  does everything within her power to find the women who want to use her services to be able to afford it.
I have a meeting with her on Tuesday so I'm hopeful we'll be able to work something out then.

Today has been cleaning day. My house is shambles. Totally and completely. We have 2 rooms right now that are just being used to store our random junk & I want every room clean & usable right away.
I want to try moving Faith & possibly even Elliott into their own little room with all their things in it
We have this wonderful home & just don't take good care of it. There are so many repairs that need to be done right now that it makes my head just spin. It's just so hard to keep up with everything. If I'm not cleaning all day every day it runs away from me. & being lazy for just one day doesn't cut it. It takes me 3 days to catch up to 1 day of doing nothing.

I had a moment of insanity the night before last. After reading about 2 of my friends who had a light line on their pregnancy test just like me who turned out to not be pregnant I just couldn't sleep. It was 3:30 in the morning & I just kept laying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about what would happen if I weren't really pregnant. I was a nervous wreck so I put my bra on & headed out to Wal-Mart at 4am to buy a pregnancy test. Cory must think I'm totally insane but he was so wonderful. I came home, took the test & got a nice dark positive line. I could finally sleep. Except for the fact that I had to get up 3 times to pee because I drank 2 huge glasses of water so I could take the test.

I've been very worried about money lately which is very unlike me.
I'm really stuck right now. We only have 1 car but I desperately need to get a job. It's the only way we're going to be able to pay for having this baby & to go to Cornerstone.
But I can't get a job without a car or someone to watch the kids. I've applied for some work at home jobs but haven't had any luck yet.
I'm trying to stay positive but just feel like we're sinking.
God always provides. I just wish He wouldn't always wait til the last second to come through. I want things done on MY time.

I'm not sure if I'm extremely fertile or Cory has super swimmers, but the deed is done.
We haven't told anyone yet..I'm only posting on xanga & here for the moment so hush on myspace.
I'm sure we'll have told everyone by the end of tomorrow though. We can never keep these things to ourselves.
It's faint, but there's definitely a 2nd line. I've taken 2 just to be sure.

Sorry about the quality. Cory's phone is the only way we have to take video & the picture quality es no bueno.
& yes, my son is wearing a princess night gown. Faith picked it out for him that evening & he actually loved it. He kept rubbing his belly & saying "soff".
I'm thinking some super handsome satin PJ's are in order soon.

Today is going to be my day of rest.
At 11am I am taking the kids to grandma's house for an afternoon of fun. Then I'm off to..gasp...lunch with a friend..without children! Double gasp.
See, Amy Katherine was my best friend through my last year of high school & the first years of college. We kinda drifted apart. I chose a different path, with the getting married & having children, but she remains true blue one of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of being friends with.
Then I'm going out for a teeny bit of retail therapy. My dad gifted me $20 yesterday. While I know he does it when he's feeling sorry for me & our poor poor life, I take it graciously & spend it like there's serious holes in my pockets.
But the kids are in desperate need of new clothes..summer clothes. My poor babies don't have any clothes that fit them any more. Faith seriously can't fit into any of her jeans any more. So I'm gonna hit up some thrifty stores to see what I can score.
Then I'm off to pick Cory up from work & come home to two seriously happy kids.
Sometimes I think they'd rather live with Cory's parents than us. They're way more fun & feed them chocolate.

Last weekend was wonderful. We went to the medieval fair & I can't even tell you the magic that was in Faith's eyes. On the way there she asked if there would be mermaids. I..being skeptical having never seen mermaids...told her I just didn't know.
Lo & behold, mermaids were there! She even got her picture taken with them. I need to hook up my scanner so I can share it with everyone, but it's a ridiculously cute picture. And so trendy being a polaroid & all. Elliott decided that sleeping through the entire thing was definitely the way to go.

Umm..5 more days til I can test for baby #3 & I'm losing my mind over the anticipation!
I just don't see how I could NOT be pregnant. I'm exhausted, been having what I would describe as ligament pain in my lower abdomen already, and already craving the most bizarre things. And what I want to eat at any given moment is so random.
I will be truly heartbroken if the pee stick doesn't have 2 beautiful blue lines.


Sleeping babies are the newest accessory this year.

Livejournal neglect. I really am going to try & start posting more. I say that often but I really mean it this time.
I just don't find myself online much any more but I'd love to connect with some lovely people. Scratch that. I NEED to connect with some people. I'm dying for friendship right now. Bleh.
But yea...things are moving and grooving.
Cory's screen printing is going well. He's secured a few jobs, including a pretty big one for Cornerstone which is exciting.
I have another cuppycake job this week. Thrilling, yes. A honey lemon cupcake with lavender icing has been requested of me. I hope I can pull it off. It sounds completely disgusting to me, but this is what she wants. So be it.
& this is kinda on the d-low, but Cory & I have officially been trying for #3 for about 2 weeks now.
I'm officially insane because this means I will be in prime puking condition at Cornerstone. Oh Lord, help me.
I'm 99% sure my ovaries have already been invaded because I just feel...off.
Knowing our history I was probably pregnant from the first, ahem, try.
So yea..hopefully another Castoe will be making an appearance around Christmas time. I'm actually hoping for a New Year's baby. Because that would instantly make me way awesome.
We're also planning on a homebirth. Hopefully we can scrap the finances together to do it this time. My fingers are crossed.
So yea, cheers. That's what Faith says. She wants to "cheers" everything these days. Just this morning she asked me to "cheers" our shirts. I, of course, obliged.

fuck you, bronchitis.

Ladies, if you haven't read Cunt: A Declaration of Independence I insist everyone of you go out and get a copy right away.

She stresses the important of writing your womanifesto..I could go into it deeper, but then you might not get the book.

It's 10:30pm right now...and I'm sitting at my  computer in my dark bedroom, the only one awake. Cory is gone, and the kids are sleeping soundly in the bed right next to me.
The bug has hit me to write my womanifesto, finally.
So here goes nothing.



Negativity
Self hatred
Depression
Glaring eyes
Whispered words
Backstabbing
Gossip
These are the enemies

Positivity
Love
Joy
Words of praise
Singing loudly where everyone can hear you
Hugs
Whispers of love
These are the weapons

Life is a war.
A fight to love yourself, and stay on top of the game.
Not the money game.
Not the game of love.
But the game of learning to accept yourself for who you truly are.

Am I going to take the punches and get right back in the ring, or am I going to cower in the corner and throw in the towel?
I always wanted to be that woman.
The strong woman with the boxing gloves on, the mouth guard in, covered in bright red blood, the sweaty pits and hair, and kick ass determination to seriously fuck anyone up who stood in my way.
So many times fear and insecurity turns me into the stupid little girl terrified her mother will find out she's been wiping her boogers on the wall again and sneaking biscuit dough while she's making dumplings for the soup.

When I think about it I get angry.
All the times in life when I could have stood up for myself, grown a backbone.
When that bastard wanted to touch me..I should've screamed.
When that woman constantly cut me down and told me I should use my money to join weight watchers..I should've screamed.
When they told me I was getting married too soon and I was making a mistake..I should've screamed.
When she tried to ruin my wedding day for me and make me feel like less of a person..I should've screamed.
When that man wanted to cut me open and pull my baby girl out..I should've screamed, and hit him straight in the mouth.
When she told me my pictures weren't good enough..I should've screamed.
When she laughed at my dream of opening a bakery someday...I should've screamed.

I want to be that woman.
I want to be that hardcore.
I want to love myself enough.

Instead of crouching down in my corner and holding it all in til it boils over and effects those I love the most, I want to come out swinging and screaming.

Instead of getting in one of my moods and blame it on the zodiac and my misfortune of being born a Cancer or the fact that my cycle is coming soon, I want to come out cussing and spitting.

So watch out, kids, cause I'm buying the most amazing hot pink boxing gloves I can find...fuck, I'll have little cupcakes embroidered on the top of each one...and I'm gonna start throwing punches.

I'm worth it.
I'm beautiful.
My children are stubborn, strong, and brilliant.
My husband is damn lucky.
My tofu is delicious.
My cupcakes are orgasmic.
My pictures are good enough.
I am not a puppet and I am not a slave.
I am a treasure and a goddess.
I don't belong in a dump of misery and self-pity.
I am worthy of love, happiness, and everything good.


Damn that felt good.

I haven't been on livejournal in ages.
Tons has changed.
My dreads are gone..so is the monochromatic wardrobe.
I'm in the midst of a change.
The kids are growing by leaps and bounds.
My marriage is better than ever-there's been a renewal taking place and I feel so refreshed.
I'm going to try and be more faithful and post more often in here, but I make no promises.
This is just a hi, hello. I'm still here...

I've been neglecting livejournal so...forgive me.
Changes come, it's getting warmer. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming. My favorite time of year is finally here.
My windows will now be open til it's just too hot to do so anymore.
I've been reading Isaiah lately...so convicting. I must decrease, He must increase. I must realize I'm a wretch, only He can make me perfect.
My babies are growing, my heart is aching for another. In His timing, I must learn not to put time limits on God. He exists out of time. How I long to do the same.
Cory is leaving for San Antonio soon. God is moving, allowing my sweet love to do the ministry he's longed to do. I'm nervous about handling the kids all on my lonesome for two weeks, but I know I can find the strength.
I long for community. I love for friendship. I love for touch and love. I long for passion again.
I want to sell our TV. It's on way too much.
I want to plant some flowers. I want to play in the dirt and get my nails filthy dirty.
I want to go swimming and walk on the beach, feeling the sand between my toes and getting gritty from my hair to my feet.
Creativity is brewing. Knitting, painting, taking pictures. I must use my talents more lest I lose them.
Now I must fold laundry.
Love....



       

My sweet grandmother celebrated her 94th birthday yesterday...



Elliott played with his great aunt that he rarely gets to see...



Cory and I made the cake...


I cut the sides of my hair off & chopped my bangs, then bleached sections. I'll take some pictures to share at a later date.

Sweet girl kissies....


Sorry for the lack of updating on here. I spend most of my time on Xanga really... name's lochnessie80

Check there to see the changes our family is going through.