I haven't updated here for ages and mostly do all my news via my blog but I wanted to start a new livejournal just to log my random thoughts that don't belong on the blog necessarily.
So yea...the old username didn't fit me.
Find me here: sodarnhappy 

Birth story here...

http://crazybutable.blogspot.com/

Mostly for my thoughts & to keep family/friends updated.
It's just too much jumping between myspace, livejournal, and xanga. I'm too lazy for all that business.

crazybutable.blogspot.com

Oh how I miss Buffy. Memories of high school then college..crying when Angel left after graduation..when Oz left on his journey to control the werewolf in him then returning to find his one and only love in love with someone else..gasping & being more than a little hot under the collar when Spike and Buffy finally "did it"...bawling like a baby when Joyce died...when Giles went back to England..when Tara died....
Oh man.

So I considered going to get checked last night...but alas after 2 hours of quite painful contractions I finally passed out & slept til 4am to wake up & find that they had disappeared. So incredibly frustrating. I was contracting all day yesterday & it was accompanied by quite a bit of rectal pressure. Yea...no fun at all.
Before you lecture me..I'm seriously downing like a gallon of water a day..and peeing it right back out. I seriously wonder why we have to drink so much water since it never stays in me for more than 5 minutes at a time.
But yea...I know he's "dropped" because I'm no longer having rib pain & my vag seriously feels all weird. I swear when I sit to take a poop he's gonna fall right out. & having contractions while taking a dump....really unsettling.
Oh..and my nipples have started leaking.
All really great reasons to march Cory right on down to get his vasectomy asap.
I have another appointment with the midwife on Thursday. Here's hoping all this hasn't been for nothing...

Cory & I were marveling at the delusions of grandeur of a 14 year old girl at church. She spent all of Wednesday night talking Twilight to me & kept swearing that vampires were real and she's head over heels in love with Edward.
She also got into a lengthy, rather spirited, debate over who would win in a fight: Edward Cullen or Edward Scissorhands. (Edward Cullen hands down, duh. I mean..I love Edward Scissorhands just as much as the next girl but wasn't he kind of a wuss. Plus he kinda shuffled everywhere in slow motion. My Edward would have him down in the ground in no time flat).
Well I'm here to say that I'm just as horrible. In a fit of pregnancy induced insomnia last night I laid in bed imagining what it would be like to be Robert's one & only true love. We would've met in England, of course, where I was running my own very successful bakery. He'd come in to try a cupcake & fall hopeless in love with me.
Fast forward to the Tyra Banks show. He'd tell her that..no thank you, he can't bite her neck. While his beautiful amazing orgasmic girlfriend isn't the jealous type, hers is the only neck he'll ever bite.
And there you have it....I'm just as awful as that 14 year old girl. Good grief. But we have to stay young somehow, don't we?
& a side note: Cory admitted to me last night that he thought Alice was hot.

Okay so these contractions are seriously taking my breath away.
I've had some that I'm pretty sure wouldn't fit into the braxton hicks category but they're absolutely maddening.
They'll come really frequently for an hour or so then just disappear.
I went through this for weeks on end with Elliott. I'm beginning to think these next 4-ish weeks may be the longest of my life if this little boy doesn't come soon.
& forget sleep. HA! That's just a memory of the past. Oh how I miss my dearest friend sleep. If you see him..tell him I fantasize about him often and can't wait for a steamy reunion.

So we got the internet back today..wee!
I'm hoping I won't get sucked into eternal blahness of sitting in front of the computer for hours again...not that my body can handle sitting upright here for that long anyhow. I'm not getting a new cord for our laptop on purpose. That would be a bad decision.
Cory started a new job last week. It's a job. Not real exciting...but once he starts getting regular paychecks it'll start paying the bills. It's just getting through til then...living by the skin of our teeth basically.
Other than various financial stresses that never seem to end we're doing very well.
Otto's due in 4 1/2 weeks. I've been having pretty hardcore contractions off and on but I'm not too hopeful for an extremely early delivery. I had the same contractions for a good 3 weeks while pregnant with Elliott. Yay for me.
I'm horribly uncomfortable but mostly I'm just ready to have my body back. And I'm ready to see my little guy of course.
Man. Boring update...there's just not much to say.
Things are pretty much status quo..( some pictures for you )</div>

I am no longer a part of the world wide internets. Well, not at home anyway. I'm going to be scarce. Right now I'm using the computer at my in laws. I won't be on much though...maybe once or twice a week at best.

Short updates:
I'm in pain. Oh my gosh I'm so freakin uncomfortable. This kid keeps getting bigger & bigger. I know..yay...that's supposed to happen but wowzers. I had a dream last night that he stuck his hand up against my belly & I could grab his hand & every single one of his fingers. Crazy.
The kids are good. Psycho but good. I'm big time blessed though. I'll never understand how I got such wonderful kids.
The dog is driving me bat shit crazy. Oh my word. I've been walking her seriously every hour to two hours & she still thinks that the kids bed is her personal toilet. I've committed to taking care of her though...so that's what I must do. I keep reminding myself that she's just a baby & that throwing her out of a moving car would be considered cruel. Joking. :P


( and if you're bored )

I have yet to successfully potty train a dog. Cross your fingers for me. She did pee outside successfully last night before bed but so far today I've missed urination/defecation by about 30 seconds. I was literally putting on my hoodie both times & she squatted & did her business on the floor.
She slept pretty well last night surprisingly. She woke up twice from her make shift bed in the laundry basket & started crying. Just a little gentle rubbing behind the ears & she went right back to sleep both times.
So far she's been nothing but perfection..and we're all in love.

This morning Faith was looking at my little locket that has a picture of Cory..infant Cory...in it.

I asked her.."Do you know who that is?"

"Yea. It's Daddy when he was a baby. But now he's your sweetheart."
 

It's after 1am here. I'm completely insane & should be sleeping but my body just won't let me.
Tonight I've been thinking alot about life in general. (Cory's recently downloaded the entire MxPx discography by the way..I'm reminded why I feel in love with them 15 years ago.)
Life...love...it's all good.
I feel incredibly optimistic & euphoric. I'm in love. I'm mommy to the most amazing children in the world. I'm forever blessed more & more every day. 
Something I've been reminding myself of lately..an incredible man of God once told m that success isn't measured by how much money we have or what's in our house or garage...it's measured by whether or not we're fulfilling God's purpose for our lives & doing all we can to bring glory to Him.
At this point in my life I think I can say that I'm a success. 

Part of the reason I can't sleep is because we just got back from seeing The Avett Brothers.
Be still my heart. We discovered them about a year ago & I've been aching to see them. Tonight it came true.
& could they be any more beautiful? I'm in serious crush...

& one last thing...Cory got me Kimya's new album...Alphabutt. I'm absolutely convinced that if I were to know this incredible woman she would without a doubt be my best friend. I can honestly say that no one's music has ever touched me in the way that hers does. She reaches to the deepest part of me. Or maybe it's the stage in my life....but I do adore her so.

I think that's all.....
I'm going to go read some more. So far New Moon has been highly enjoyable. Can I just say though..I miss Edward. Lord, help me. I'm 14.

Cory brought home New Moon tonight. We so didn't have the money, but he loves doing little things for me.
He rolled his eyes as he handed it to me...but I know he loves me.
Off to my comfy chair with the book & some ice cream.

I've flown through 3/4 of Twilight today.
Now I'm slightly depressed because it's almost over...& we probably won't have the money to buy the following books til Cory's next pay day...insert big sad cry-ee face.
Oh my word. I just know I'll be dreaming about Edward & Bella all night.

I'm feeling much better. I actually managed to get a ton of housework done yesterday. It was starting to look like toxic waste land in here. There's so much left to be done. I'm disgusted with the amount of clutter in our house & desperate to make it all go away. I want to be like Mary Poppins. Ya know..snap my fingers, sing a diddy, & it'll all go away.
Still having issues with swelling & headaches. I hope to God it's not because of my blood pressure. I know that my pulse rate has been crazy high but it makes sense considering the volume it's pumping right now. I'm just ready for this little one to come out so I can feel like my old self again. On the other side, I've been able to actually see him roll & kick lately. I'd forgotten how beautiful & exciting this stage is. I'm trying to enjoy it before he gets big enough to wedge himself up under my ribs.

( Potential TMI & pictures here )

Sunday evening I started feeling extremely crappy. I could tell it was more than just general not feeling well..there was something wrong.
It just progressed over the next couple days & got way worse. The official diagnosis is gastrointeritis. I have no idea whre it came from but I gotta tell ya...whoever passed this to me is not my favorite person right now.
Basically I haven't eaten anyting since Sunday afternoon. Nothing substantial anyhow...and haven't even been able to keep water or gatorade down.
So we got to spend 7 lovely hours at the hospital last night lying in the most uncomfortable bed EVER while poor Cory snoozed in a chair made for someone about 3 feet shorter than him. I got pumped full of 2 bags of fluid. They also discovered that my blood pressure was high & there was protein in my urine-which was the color of soda-so they ran some lab tests after taking 4 very full viles of blood from a vein in my hand. Basically my potassium was low from me being so sick, so hopefully that's the culprit of the whole protein in the urine thing because the last thing I want is to ever step foot in a hospital again & if this continues...no homebirth for me.
I'm feeling a little better today. It's amaznig what hydration will do for you. I pretty much laid in bed all day yesterday wishing for death. 
If you need me I'll be recovering..eating jello & popsicles while wishing I could have some steak or a huge salad. I'm seriously craving food right now like no other. We always want what we can't have.
More prayers appreciated. I need to be cured pronto.
<3

The kids have figured out how to unlock the bathroom door from the outside. There truly is no such thing as privacy.
Anyway...I bring to you today's list....

1. Cory. I adore that man. He truly is the other half of me. Some days I'm his better half..others he's mine. We balance each other out on a day to day basis. He's the most patient laid back daddy and our kids are so blessed to have him. I can proudly say that while most mothers constantly feel neglected by their husbands I rarely if ever have room for complaint. He finds ways every day to make me feel beautiful & special. I would be completely lost without him.

2. My babies. I watched "Nanny 911" last night..for lack of anything better on TV..and found myself once again thanking God for giving me such amazing beautiful children. While I realize that I should give myself some of the credit, I truly believe that most of it is due to the grace of God. My kids are so loving and caring towards other kids and those around them. I have been told 3 times in the last few weeks about how amazing it is that they're willing to share. It's just something I rarely have to work at. Just a gentle reminder is usually all they need. When I was little if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my response was always the same...a mommy. And while it's not the easiest job in the world, it's definitely the most rewarding. I'm so blessed to be able to stay home with them and be their mommy.

3. This trailer. I'm choosing now to take pride in it & no longer despise it. I am so blessed to have a home that is all my own. No one is telilng me that I can't paint my walls lime green if I want to. My kids are free to draw on the walls as they please because really...what's the harm? Our mortgage payment is lower than most people's car payments. I am forever grateful for that. My kids can run around outside naked with reckless abandon and there's no one to think less of me or criticize me. Heck...I could run arond naked with them if I wanted to. The stars are so clear out here at night and everything is so quiet. No upstairs neighbors doing jumping jacks at 3am...no wild parties or obnoxious loud music because..let's face it..it's too loud & I'm way too old. 

4. Emily. This woman understands my heart. It's so rare to find a connection with someone like what I share with her. I know that I can call her any time, any day & just pour my heart out to her..and she's there for me. I prayed for so long for a friend like her and God proved Himself faithful once again. Now if only there weren't this distance between us. I'm going to start praying for the ability to teleport.

5. My mother in law. Oh how the woman drives me insane at times. But she has been there for me since day 1. She embraced me as her own and has never tried to step inbetween Cory & I. She's always there for me when Faith wakes up at 5am & says, "I wanna see Grandma." I can call her up & say... I need help...and if she's at all able, she's there. 

Okay..I've come to the harsh realization that I'm a whiner & a complainer. I have serious trouble looking at the good things in life & just dwelling on the "bad".
For example..instead of complaining about Cory's job, I should be grateful that he has a job at all & that considering his work history, it's probably the best job he's had so far.
Instead of getting so tired of breaking up the kids' fights & dwelling on the exhaustion that comes from chasing them, I should feel so incredibly blessed that I have them. They're healthy, they're happy, and that's so much more than I could ever ask for.
I need to quit telling myself the stupid lie that I have no friends. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have the most amazing loving friends anyone could ever ask for..and I'm so sorry for taking them all for granted.
So I'm going to try to develop a more positive attitude.
My goal is to list at least 5 things each day that I'm thankful for. That shouldn't be so hard, right?
Lord, forgive me for being stupid.

See? Penis....


I couldn't stand not knowing. I think I'm one of those people that need to know to feel that connection with the baby if that makes sense. I just felt really uncomfortable with not knowing who was in there.
So...there he is. Otto Silas Van Castoe.
Otto means wealth..& it's just an awesome name.
Silas means man of the forest.
Van is after my daddy. :)
We found out a couple weeks ago but I'm just now getting the energy to post an update..
He weighed exactly a pound & has been kicking the heck outta me.
Faith's reaction to the news: "I wish I had a girl." She's been telling Cory that after this baby comes out, she'd like a girl please.